A Mother's Heartbreak

As I was checking my notes on the iPad, I saw this...

 

 

April 3, 2014

All this time I thought I already know what a heartbreak means, i thought I already know how it feels to have your heart shattered into a thousand pieces. Apparently not. I never knew heartache and heartbreak until that day I rushed my little one to the ER to have us admitted immediately due to community acquired pneumonia. And then everything's like a blur. She was given nebules. She was inserted with an IV. They tried to extract blood from her only to fail 4 times. That's 4 freakin' needle inserts. Only to end up having her tiny feet pricked and squeezed to get the needed amount of blood for tests.

Everytime I see her painfully coughing out the phlegm, my world would just swirl and my heart would break. And I feel that again and again and again. Seeing her having difficulty in breathing gave me pain 10thousand times more painful than labor and post CSop. Those I can handle, but this... These I'm afraid I can't. I was always the tough girl. But I feel lost and scared today.

I remember how I felt that day. It was Skye’s 3rd day at the hospital. Her pedia just visited and told us that she’s still not okay. I also remembered that her IV got busted and they need to re-insert. My baby darling has been crying nonstop coz they are finding it difficult to successfully insert the IV. Paos na sya. Ang lungkot ng mga mata nya. Like she’s asking me to stop them from doing such painful things to her. I remember that I went to the loo after writing the note and just cried and cried. I was praying to our dear Virgin of Guadalupe. To Jesus. To all the angels and the saints. I remember that I was clutching my chest because I feel like it’ll burst anytime. Literally.

 

Ganun pala yun. Ganun pala ang pakiramdam ng isang Nanay pag may sakit ang anak. Parang kang inuupos na kandila. You wanted to stop her pain. Totoo pala yung gusto mong kunin yung sakit para ikaw nalang. Wag lang ang anak mo. And I feel so bad. I was questioning myself. I was thinking hard what I did wrong. San ako nagkulang. Anong mali? Anong nagawa kong mali?