On Being a Working Mum

Mums, watch this!

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Okay. I'm giving you a couple of minutes to wipe away your tears. If you are a working mum like me, I could give you a couple more to compose yourself.

Oh my. This video really, really hit me. As in pak na pak. I was crying my eyes out while watching. And until now, as I type this, I can't help but get teary eyed again.

This is me. Every day. Every single day. I feel like I'm not doing a great job. I felt like I'm always, always angry. Always, always tired. Most of the time, I feel so bad for my child 'coz I think she deserve more that what I am giving her now. She deserve more time. More smile. More care. More patience. And less of the shouts, of the face-the-walls, of the angry, mad, always in a hurry mother that I am.

Everyday, tinatanong ko ang sarili ko bakit kailangan kong magtrabaho. Everyday, nangangarap akong magkaroon ng 48hours sa isang araw para ma-squeeze ko lahat ng kailangan kong gawin. Although I can't imagine myself not working. And then I would feel guilty. Pero kasi, hindi talaga. I love my job. I love this work. But I wish I could be with my child every single day, every single minute.

Ngayon ko lang aaminin pero I really, really feel bad everytime my daughter would talk to me and I can't understand a single word. Then her father would "translate" everything to me. Parang in my head, I was like "Bakit ganon? Ako ang ina pero hindi ko sya maintindihan."

And then my husband would tease me and tell me that I should "spend spend din ng time sa anak". I know he was joking. But I wanna shout at him. Ginusto ko ba to??!! Ginusto ko bang maka-miss ng mga milestones ng anak ko? Ginusto ko ba tong araw-araw akong nagpapakwento sa lahat kung ano nangyari sa anak ko? But it is what it is.

Yung mga bagay na hindi ko nawitness, pinapakwento ko. Pinapaulit ko sa anak ko. Gabi gabi, I would do everything that needs to be done - wash her pwet, put moisturizer, homeschool, play and watch Frozen. Araw-araw kahit wala ng tulog, kahit inaatake ng migraine, ginagawa ko yun.

But still, I feel it's not enough. Weird. But then I would see my daughter smile. I would watch her laugh. The way she would get all excited upon seeing me every night. Nagmamadaling magmano, mag-hug at mag-kiss para maka dede na. After emptying one breast, she would say "more" and I would offer her the other breast. And then she would play. Tapos magkukwento na ng maghapon nya. That she played with Mikee and Kuya Allen. That she was "takot" when Mikee screamed. That she played with Ate Cristy. And she would shout "Tadi taym!" and then grab her chair and sit. Waiting for me to sit on the other chair, grab a book and study with her.

And then, on those moments I would feel that maybe, just maybe, I am doing it right. Nakakatawa pero that video really sums up everything. Alam mo yung as a mother, you would feel so bad about yourself. And maybe kahit sino pa magsabi sayo na you are doing it right, iba pag sa anak mo nanggaling. Iba pag nakikita mo mismo sa mga mata ng anak mo. Yung nakikita mo mismo sa mga ngiti nya. Dun ka lang maniniwala.

And then add the fact that we all live in a world na unfair sa working parents. Di nalang basta working mums, pero pati na din sa mga hands-on dads. I have witnessed again and again how inconsiderate our world is to parents. How inconsiderate people are just because you choose to stay with your family, with your child.

Ang daming missed opportunities. Madalas nararamdaman ko na iniisip nila na ginagawa kong excuse ang pagiging ina. Pero paksy*t! Sabi nga ni Vilma - "Ina ako! Ina ako!".

Musings