#SelfLove2020

January is almost over and I still haven't posted a single thing on this blog.

I usually start the year with posts like this one. A look back on the year that was and my hashtag for the year.

I have always been like that. A go-getter. I would like to set goals, claim them, achieve them. I would list down my tasks and I'd feel really really accomplished everytime I would tick them off one by one.

Last year, I said it would be #Leap2019. I know I'd make giant leaps because of the many new stuff we had to go through. New baby. New life as a family of four. Newly rented place. A new, expanding team. I know 2019 is gonna be busy. I know I'm gonna be tired. I know I'm gonna be challenged. I know it'll be hard. I am excited to face all the challenges and make huge leaps. But I didn't know I'll end up broken.

This post has been sitting on my drafts for almost a month. I would start something and I'd end up deleting them.

I just can't explain it.

I know I have to be grateful. I have my son! My only son! Our answered prayer. And he is everything I ever hoped for.

I am successful in my career. My team grew and is continuously growing. Ours is the priority project of the entire company. I was given so much opportunities. I was even promoted last year.

I now live on our own rented place. My own home. It's tiny but it's everything I want. I live in a beautiful home. And I am supposed to be so much more at peace.

But I don't know. Probably it's PPD talking. But I am just so lost. You know that heavy, dark feeling? That's 2019 for me. That is me until now.

Everyday I would struggle. Everyday I would find myself lost. Broken.

I would remember 2019 as my worst year as a mother. My daughter ended up having new sibling anxiety. I know I haven't been the best mother to my kids.

I would never forget those nights where I would

….

….

….

I saw this post sitting on my drafts yet again. It was initially written last January and edited some weeks later before this ECQ, and COVID situation. During those times when writing was actually a chore for me. Instead of the outlet that it used be.

As I was reading this, I feel so bad for myself. I am so so sad back then. I am lost. I could see that I feel really bad and that anxiety has been hitting me real hard. And that's probably why I can't find joy on those stuff I use to really love. 

Weird though because while this whole COVID situation has caused more unknowns, more things to worry and more bills to pay ( hello Meralco!), I think this whole ECQ situation was able to help me in some sort of way.

I don't know. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was having thse bad anxiety attacks and then I just woke up one day feeling a little better. I was able to write a blog post and actually enjoy it. I find myself being super invested on stuff I used to like. Yes, there are still palpitations and insomnia and all that nasty crazy, but I am actually.. for the first time in a very long time, I am actually happy.

So yeah. It seems like I started the year claiming that I would love myself more and I guess I just did.

I wish I could continue doing it. I wish I could just remind myself all the time that I deserve to be loved and that I am enough. It has been a struggle honestly. And for almost 2 years I forgot to live my life for my self. But now, I am loving myself because only then I could give love. It's true. How can you give something you don't have right?

This me, freeing myself from all the self loathing of the past 2 years. ECQ made me realize that everything I keep on worrying about are stuff that doesn't really matter. When we are stripped to the core and is left with only the eseentials, I guess that's when you'll realize that all along, you have more than enough. And that would make one feel grateful.

Musings